Today will be remembered as one of bad day in my life. There was a call from my family member, my aunt, asking whether I just woke up or had to go out later or not. It was unusual and strange. Why would someone use international call that early in the morning asking those plain questions? My time was 8.15 and it was 6.15 in Thailand. Her voice was solemned and emotionless. I knew that she was going to tell me bad news but I prayed that what I think was not true. Second later, she told me that she was at hospital. I knew it. My worst expectation came true.
My grandfather has been in hospital for about 2 weeks. He was known to have cardiac disease for almost 8 years now. He usually went to Bangkok to do medical check up once every 3 months. He had 2 major heart attack incidents so far which I never be there with him. Both times I was away from home studying.
This is my second time I lost someone dear to me. First time, when my greatgrandmom was death. From what I can recall, she prefer to live alone and cook for herself. I, as a child, would go to talk with her and eat her rice ball mixed with soy source. I can't recall the taste though but it wasn't bad since I remembered eating it many times. She always sat or slepts on her favourite chair telling me tales. I only remember one, it is story about human's souls - Children and Adults possess different kind of souls. I already forgot the detail though. She was death in car accident while coming back home from trip to temple. I was very young at the time and that was when I first expirienced human death. I was playing my toy car on the floor when my aunt talked to the phone about accident and prayed that news on TV was talking about different bus. Seems that we have bad luck here, aren't we? It's our turn to loss. It's like airplane accident has only few chances to happen. So, you think you are not that unlucky. Well, think again. I don't remember that I shred tear though. Perhaps because I was still a kid.
About my grandfather. He always took care of me when I was a child. He took me to beach, bought me something to eat. What more, he bought me everything I want. I really loved to play video game back there and he bought me game soft that was very expensive even comparing to today standard. He always protected me. I dare say that he is the one I love the most. Our bond can't be described into words. When I grow up I have problems with my family members. I never have problem with him though. But I didn't speak to him much since then. He got older and I also got something to do. Something calls my own world, my own fucking world.
His health began to get worst when I was away from home. Studying, experiencing freedom or so I thought. I was lucky he survived his first heart attack and meet me after my two and a half years abroad. The rest seems to go well. I still don't stay at home though. Four more years for my college. I had fun and thought that everything home went well as usual. And now I am here in Japan, just for six months, damn it. The only thing I have done is to threat him and my family a meal at the restuarant before I came here. Despite I really get along well with my family after I am older, I didn't talk to him that much. We seems to run out of topics. When I imagine my family would come to visit me here, I would think of him first. Although it may not be possible since he cannot walk long without using his walking stick for quite sometimes.
Last time I called back home, I knew that he was in hospital. But everyone was taking care of him and playing joke with me. So, I thought it was nothing except he refused to talk to me. I heard he said he didn't want to speak he was hurt. I really should talk to him back then.
When I heard his news from my aunt, I cried. I feel sad, guilty and anger with myself. But I stoped crying after a while. It was fast. I used to cry when I saw something sad - some stranagers dying, my dogs dying or even when watching sad movies. But now, my tear dried up very fast. I don't know that it is because I have experienced many sad things, I can guess this event or whatsover. Anyway, I am surprised by this fact. If I don't cry when the one I love the most passed away then when someone else die I don't think I will be in much grief then. Right now I feel better, while writing this I cried again for a little bit since I am thinking of my past with him.
What I truly regret is that I should achieve more in my life for him. If I just tried better, I would get better result in so many things. I am not a genius but I am sure I can do much better than today. Now instead of thinking about what I want, I am beginning to think of what I want to be. Currently, I don't even know where I should be, what I should do or how should I proceed in life. I am completely confused. The only thing I know is that I can't standstill; steps and decisions have to be made. Like it or not, I must live on for he will live within me. My grandfather's blood flow within me, for that reason alone, I can't give up - not just yet. I used to say I can give up everything in my life to get what I want. I was wrong. Everything I have or going to get is useless. If he would give his life before I can figure these fucking things out, it's not worth it.
My childish wish is to have everyone I love become immortal. I wish for it every time I pray since I was young. Recently, I quit. I know that it is impossible for human to be immortal. However, Events, time and people will always live on if at least there exists someone who can remember them. And I know that he will always live within my memory til the day I die.
